Dormido, por supuesto

Todas aquellas personas que no tuvieron tiempo de meterse en el armario o esperar en la cornisa hasta poder escapar, pueden ahora recurrir a la ciencia para justificar sus infidelidades sin verse obligados a excusarse con ese “no es lo que parece”, una de las cumbres del humor absurdo, que se atenía al pie de la letra a un mandamiento clásico de las relaciones: “no le confieses a tu pareja que le has puesto los cuernos ni aunque te torturen”.

Ya no hay infiel que pueda ocultarse con los armarios abiertos de par en par y reportero de Zero incluido esperando. Los materiales que se utilizan para la construcción de los edificios impiden que se sostenga en la cornisa ningún ser vivo cuyo peso supere el de dos palomas y un gorrión obeso. El “no es lo que parece” se ha quedado anticuado, que ahora si te pillan se une tu pareja a la fiesta después de llamar a sus siete amantes con un mensaje sms: “¿se va a ir de rositas mi marido?, cama redonda en casa”.

Para los que todavía apuestan por la fidelidad –ajena se entiende- ha llegado la salvación en forma de síndrome con denominación de origen: sexo dormido. Se trata de una de las excusas para darse una alegría fuera de la pareja más surrealistas que nos han llegado desde aquello de los visitantes nocturnos, algo muy molesto que requería de un ufólogo al día siguiente y una historia bien hilada para que se publicase en “Más Allá” (si era un hombre o una mujer alta y con ojos almendrados, o sea, alguien nórdico) o de un exorcista (si era un íncubo o un súcubo, o sea, alguien de Cuenca). Las revistas de parapsicología que se sostienen gracias a los cuernos y a los excesos etílicos (… y entonces un objeto volador se desplazó a toda velocidad por la línea de horizonte…) han de alarmarse sobremanera ante la llegada de este tipo de casos. Los que no vivan de esos periódicos pueden darse a los conocimientos bíblicos de manera desaforada, que además si te cogen in fraganti tampoco pueden hacer gran cosa, ya que es peligroso despertar a un sonámbulo.

Algún médico sorprendido mientras auscultaba en casa a la vecina con un exceso de profesionalidad se ha visto obligado a montar todo un estudio riguroso para evitar el divorcio, proporcionando al planeta la primera excusa global para justificar cualquier desliz o puesta de piso. La mundialización también tiene efectos en los asuntos de cama, y así las coartadas van dejando paso a los síndromes. Pronto los criminales podrán afirmar: “señor juez, estrangulé al supuesto interfecto con una cuerda al padecer síndrome del esparto”.

Comments

  1. Caracartón wrote:

    El problema reside en que cuando estes de vuelta tu mujer te esté esperando detrás de la puerta en pleno «síndrome del rodillo».

  2. zZSexo despierto wrote:

    Y yo me pregunto: ¿y el otro/a? Sí, la otra parte que practica sexo y supuestamente no se encuentra dormido/a? ¿Cómo reacciona ante tal acontecer? (Dis)puestos a imaginar…?

  3. Germany wrote:

    Sera cuestion de invitar a mujeres a dormir (y sonyar) en la casa. Preferentemente mujeres con desordenes mentales y problemas psicologicos??

    La verdad es que la gente tiene un morro…

  4. xy wrote:

    Cuando termino de comer he de dejar que lo demas frieguen los platos ya que yo tengo el sindrome de la fobia antilimpiadora de platos.

  5. esfumato wrote:

    a mi la novia de un amigo dice que este se levanta de madrugada a hacerle el amor a ella, y este no se acuerda al dia siguiente.

    Capaz que es verdad. pero con gente de la calle? no se lo creen ni ellos.

  6. Zarafraze wrote:

    «Lo siento, mi amor, lo que pasa es que estaba dormido ¿ves?, y así dormido compré todas estas revistas porno, y contraté a esta prostituta (en la más absoluta inconciencia) para que hiciera actos indescriptibles con tu hermana mientras yo copulaba con el mueble que te regaló tu mamá. Se llama «sexo dormido», y figúrate que me acabas de despertar cuando dijiste -Hijoputacabróndemierdatevoyacortarelpitoporputo!!!. Hay un artículo interesantísimo en la Página Definitiva que deberías leer…»

    Gracias a la ciencia, ahora esta escena es posible. Las mejoras que trae la ciencia al progreso humano, ah?

  7. Pinilla wrote:

    Esfumato, yo creo que la novia de tu amigo se lo hace contigo y os habeis conchabado para decirle al pobre cornudo que es él en sueños el que la monta …

  8. esfumato wrote:

    conociendo a mi amigo y sabiendo lo cachondo que es, yo me lo creo.

    de todas maneras, que mas da si es cierto o no.

  9. Pinilla wrote:

    Pues eso, lo bueno es que ella esté contenta (con sueños o sin ellos)

  10. sherlock wrote:

    Yo como no hago el amor ni en sueños…

  11. Pinila wrote:

    Te advierto que donde esté una buena paja. Ese punto que uno mismo se dá, no te lo dá nadie …

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